Am I Fat?

Hello bloggers and blog readers! My name is Jenelle and I am excited to begin a journey of blogging about fat, weight issues, food, nutrition, and my issues with all of the above! I have an interesting story concerning my “battle” over the years with these issues. Instead of telling you about it, I will let you read how I poetically describe it…

“I told a 300 pound woman that I was fat 

She looked at me with contempt as she struggled to scratch her own back.

Embarrassment paralyzed my voice, as I squeezed out of her path,

thinking about the struggle with my weight that I’ve had…

It began as a ten-year old girl, teased at school by the kids,

“Jelly belly girl,” they hollered, and laughed cause I was big.

At home was no relief, I ate masses of cookie dough,

my dad said,“You’re as big as a house, and will get bigger if you eat any mo!”

Got to junior high school, and decided to play basketball,

the weight began to drop, but starving myself was my biggest fall.

Same episode in high school, as weight went up and down,

college was a big setback, when the cafeteria buffet was found.

That began my cycle again, but no sport to discipline me,

so I made the fitness center my idol, while less pounds I began to see.

After college was the biggest test, I entered the job market,

three hours of work then lunch, fast food places became my target.

But I was enlightened one evening, to start anew eating right,

and get fit with workouts every day, so clothes wouldn’t be as tight.

A sacrifice it would have to be, to give up foods I liked,

so many delicious entreés and desserts, and I couldn’t eat one bite?

No chocolate chip or sugar cookies, no ice cream sundaes and pies,

no strawberry short cake with whipped cream, I kissed vanilla bean cheesecake goodbye.

No fatty French fries, no burgers with cheese,

no pieces of fried catfish, no hushpuppies will I need.

No mounds of potato chips, drenched in cups of grease,

no huge pieces of fried chicken, included in my feast.

No four glasses of juice, no Cokes and milkshakes,

no sugary icees, or slushies could I make.

A new menu I created, to keep me on the right track,

it contained many healthier foods, that my previous list had lacked.

I ate lean turkey, egg whites, and plenty of lean ham,

wheat toast, but never jelly, only sugar free jam.

Baked chicken, baked potato, grilled tilapia, and shrimp,

fresh corn, green beans, and carrots, broccoli was not exempt.

Pineapples, bananas, plums, oranges, and fresh peaches,

strawberries, melons and grapes, were fruit I really needed.

Pasta salads and chicken salads, made a tasty meal,

Slim Fast Shakes, and Smart Ones cakes, were nourishing and had much appeal.

Sugar free beverages and no calorie pops, were drinks to quench my thirst,

sixty-four ounces of water a day, made my bladder almost burst!

Seven full days of exercise, provided a needed distraction,

step aerobics, running, and weights, were my three main attractions.

Two to three hours in the gym, was never enough for me,

I included a short workout at night, I committed to before sleep.

Twenty-six pounds of weight I loss, some said I was too small,

but I was beautifully thin, in the mirror hung against the wall.

After all this working out, all this time, and many calorie restrictions on myself,

I asked my mom, “Am I fat?” She told me, “Girl, you need some help!”

Although I had lost a lot of fat, I still felt my problem spots,

cellulite on the thighs, flabby arms at the side, and a stomach pudge seemed like a lot.

It then began a mind game, I played ongoing inside,

that I would always be fat, no matter what or how hard I tried.

I weighed myself nonstop, hoping to lose a pound or two,

when the scale told me lies, I broke it, although it was programmed to only tell the truth.

Paranoia hit when I met guys, who said “let’s go out to eat,”

I constantly asked, “do you see me as fat, or as girl a girl with just a lot of meat?”

So here presents the struggle, that has never ended in my life,

A seed planted by my enemy at childhood, has grown to create much strife.

One answer will end this battle, this question is to you in fact,

after hearing this exhaustive narrative, can you tell me, “Am I fat?””

(Copyright February 2006 Jenelle N. Robinson; from the book “February’s Diary: 28 Days of Lies”)

What do you think? I’m a girl with some issues, eh? Well, that is most certainly the truth. But what I have realized over my 30 plus years of living is that my weight issues, my concerns with my outer appearance and how "fat I am," all of it had more to do with what was on the inside of me than what was on the outside of me. I believe that is where all of us go wrong in seeking to lose weight or eat healthier, or change our bodies. We start from the outside, when really it is an inside-out process. Because for me, no matter how much weight I loss, no matter how small I was, I still thought I was fat. Clearly, it was an internal issue. My belief is that if we want to tackle weight and body related issues, especially in reference to what we eat, we have to explore the mind and heart first; as most of these issues have a mental and emotional root.

I am going to try to blog daily, or every other day concerning the aforementioned issues of interest. What is my purpose for blogging?

To help someone else? Mostly.

To vent? Sometimes it may be.

To educate and inform? Definitely.

To learn more about myself? Always.

I actually hope blogging will get my creative juices flowing to write more, and to think outside the box. I love feedback. I can always improve my thinking and be enlightened by others, so leave comments :-). Until tomorrow...

-Jenelle